I have taken the time to do some soul searching on the whole thing. And, I have come to several conclusions. My little boy is strong and he is a fighter. I do not think there is much that he cannot fight. He is such a happy little soul, even when he is not feeling well. He was in the ambulance with O2 and when the paramedic asked him how he was....Ben said, "Great." He is such a trooper.
As I have been praying about this, I have been thinking about God not giving us any more than we can handle. I have been feeling very selfish about all of this. I keep thinking that God will not give ME more than I can handle...when, in reality, I should be thinking....God will not give Ben anything he cannot handle. This is not happening to me...it is happening to Ben. While I feel the pain and want to protect my child....Ben is the one who suffers. He is the one with the physical pain the hurts is little body.
I feel pain. I feel the emotional pain of seeing my child hurting. I feel the pain of not knowing what is wrong with him. I feel the pain of all the possibilities of what may be hurting him. I feel at a loss as to why it is happening to my child. While I am feeling all of these things, I realize that those around me have had problems with their children too. We have dear friends who have gone through similar things with their little ones. I, now, understand (or sort of) how they must feel. With all the emotional pain I am going through, I finally understand how these brave parents must feel.
I have had the several days of crying and hiding from the issue that I think I needed. Friday, I slept for 7 hours during the day and then yesterday, Matt let me sleep in until 10AM. I know that one way that I hide from things is to sleep. Sleeping means that I do not have to actually think about things. It is just blank time that I can waste without feeling. I have hidden from the world and now it is time to get out and be "normal" again.
Yesterday I went to a class to learn to crochet. I had a great time and learned lots of fun things. I know enough now to be dangerous. I decided that I am making a blanket (with the 3 stitches I know). I bought the yellow yarn with the intention of making it for my niece Maggie, but I have decided that it might just be for Ben. I think he can love on it and know how much Mommy loves him. It will always be a part of me that he can have with him. Sounds dumb, but it is making me feel better right now. Ben has been watching me work on it and he is really excited. I might finish it by Christmas with all the other projects I have to finish.
In short, I have felt sorry for myself and that has passed. I have wanted to just think about anything else and that has passed. Now, I have turned it over to GOD. HE has a plan. GOD knows what he is doing and we will follow his plan. While I might not understand it all or know why things are the way they are, I am going to put it in HIS hands and let it go. I am going to enjoy every day that I have with my family and not let things get in the way.
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