17 October 2010

Not sure what to title this.  It really is just going to be a smattering of thoughts......

I know I just blogged about the Disney thing.  But, damn, it really bothers me.  Well, not the Disney thing exactly.  I had and have so many plans.  When Matt and I met, we talked about doing several things together.  1st - move to Holyoke
2nd - go to Paris
3rd - go to Fiji
2 and 3 might be flipped. But, they are things we wanted to do.  Matt is 6 years younger than me....I knew that I would get old first, but I thought I would be able to have lots of fun/life with him before I got OLD.  Now, I am not going to get mentally old, but physically before I thought.  Really, Matt won't even be 30 until next year.  So, by the time he is 35, he could be pushing his wife around in a wheel chair.  Really?  It just does not seem fair.  I love him so much and really wish/hope it is not like this.  He deserves a full happy life.

I do know that traveling is not high on his bucket list, but it is on mine.  He would be very happy to move to Holyoke and never leave again.  I am happy to go to Holyoke, but I still want to see so much more.  I want to be able to walk through the castles in Ireland, swim in the ocean in Fiji, climb to the top of the Eiffel tower.  I know that we are working hard to pay off our debt and I want that too.  But, do I want that and put off traveling until we can pay cash with the possibility that I may not be in good enough physical condition to do it?  I am just not sure how I feel about it all.  We will have all the debt paid off in a year or so.  We are going to Disney no matter what...might take 18 months, but we might be able to pay all cash for the trip.  But, then how long will I have to save to go somewhere else?

I am trying to be positive about my condition....but I trying to be real about it too.  Knowing the possibility of not being able to do it later, makes me sad.  There are so many things I want to do.  There are so many things I want to do....BUT, I need to do them before I cannot.

I do know that we will be in a better situation in a couple of years..... I am hoping that once we hit that point we can take a major trip every 2 years.  That is my plan.  I have not told Matt yet, but that is my plan.  I will convince him over time. He is so wonderful to me...I am sure he will not be hard to win over.  I know that he does not totally understand how I feel or what is going on with my physically, but he does try to help me out whenever he can.  And, I know that my happiness is important to him and I appreciate him.  We will work it out together.

Matt is a wonderful man and I am so lucky to have him.

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