27 October 2010


I feel down right miserable.  I have got some cold thing that is killing me...okay that is exaggeration.  But, I am feeling pretty bad.

I did manage to get through Ben's Halloween party.  It was awesome.  He is going to be Tigger for Halloween. He loved it and was so cute for his party.  He did great trick-or-treating in the school.  But, he did get rather warm...his poor little cheeks turned run poor kid.

I love my family, but I am ready to sleep.

25 October 2010

I Can

I can be a good Mom and Wife.  I feel as if I have been swimming in a pool of syrup, keeping me from being who I want to be.

My house is not in the best condition that it could be, but it is getting there.  I have never been a great housekeeper.  And, it has really bothered me.  I have let it get out of hand at times and then don't know where to start.  A dear friend turned me onto Flylady.com and that has helped tremendously.  It is a great guide to find a place to start.  It has also helped me to start at one place and not feel like I have to do it all at one time.  I now have a routine to keep the basics clean and I can keep going to get through the rest of the junk.  It is going to be so nice to have my house clutter free by Christmas.  It is also nice because when we do decide to move, it will be great to be able to pick up and move what I want to take and not move junk.

I guess I am feeling pretty good because I got the boys to school on time (fed and dressed well)....picked up a package from a friend....put together a great dinner in the crockpot....empty the dishwasher....and start a load of laundry.  All of this before 10AM.  I am feeling pretty good about it.  It also helps that everyone slept until time for the alarm to go off.  Yeah...it was awesome.

I am feeling great....life is good.  God is great and I give him thanks for all that he has given to me.


24 October 2010


Home again, home again, jiggitty jig.

It is nice to be our house again.  We went to Holyoke for the weekend and it was eventful.  We went and looked at houses.  There is nothing out there that I would like to buy or live in.  They all need a bit of work.  I am so looking forward to moving as soon as we can, but I do not want to jump into a house that needs work.

We still need to put our house on the market.....and I was all for it, but now I am not so sure.  I want to scream because I am so confused.  I want to make sure that Ben is healthy.  So, not only is that a problem, but I don't want to jump into a house.  I want to make sure it is something I want to live in for the rest of my life.

I checked the price of our house on Zillow.....WHAT!!!!! It is way lower than I thought it would be these days.  We went from a 3 bed 2 bath to a 5 bed 3 bath and our house has only appreciated $8,000 since we bought it....and we put all that work into it.  We might be able to get what we put into the basement, but nothing else.  We have done so much to this house.  How can this happen....we have been here almost 6 years.

I want to move out there to be near the family and friends.  We really need the support with all that is going on in our lives.  Ben could do worse there, but we do not know.  I know that, for me, that it would be better for me.  I can use all the help I can get.  I have realized this weekend that things are harder for me than I thought.  My hands are getting worse.  My left hand feels like I have lost the padding on the first and middle finger.  I am  also having massive pain in my right thumb area.

I know that I am really rambling and not sure what is what.  Nothing makes sense right now.  I want to move, I want to do what is right by my family, I want to be near our friends, I want to live in a house that I can live in for the rest of my life.

Pastor reminded us today that we have what we have by the grace of God.  God will watch over all of us and give us what he knows we need.  I am giving this up to God and praying for some guidance.

20 October 2010

Not sure

It has been one heck of a day.........

It started off well enough.  I took the boys to school and came home to enjoy myself.  I started on my cross stitch and something reminded me that I needed to call and get the windshield replaced.  I called and got it set up....then I was told I had a $250 deductible for the windshield.  WHAT!!!!  When I switched the insurance to USAA from State Farm, I was told that the windshield was covered under the glass coverage.  I spent an hour arguing with them about it.  Ended up I need the windshield replaced before we go to Holyoke tomorrow.  It is so pitted that I can hardly see through it at dust.  So, I filed a complaint/claim so I might be able to get the money back.

I then remembered that I needed to call the Vision Insurance to make sure I was covered.  I called and was told that there was no vision on Matt insurance.  Insurance that we are paying through the nose for these days. I asked questions about the AOG's policy and then was told that they do not have vision listed on the things that they are covered.   I called the AOG and talked to Janice then.  She said that she had just been on the phone with them earlier that day and the underwriting for the AOG insurance had not been completed yet.  So, if I want to get my eyes checked and my new glasses, I have to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed.  Well, how the heck can I do that?  I just paid $250 to get the windshield fixed....so, now the windshield will be new and pretty to look out, but I still won't be able to see clearly because I do not have my glasses.

I went and picked Ben up from school and we had lunch.  After I put him down for a nap, the peds office called and let me know that I needed to take Ben in to get his blood work done today.  I was told that the Quest office was the place to go for my insurance.  So, after freaking out a minute about my 3-yr old having to get blood drawn.  I started to make and appt.....I first thought about doing it after I picked Max up, but then decided that it might be more traumatic for Max to see it than to have it done.  So, I made and appt with Quest for 2:10.  I got there about 10 minutes early, but they made us wait.  When I did get up to the desk to fill out paper work, I was told that they did not take my insurance.  So, I had to go somewhere else.  At least quest told me where to go and it was not that far away.  Ben and I rushed over because I had to pick Max up at 3:00.  We got to the office and the woman behind the counter was so stinking slow I thought I might just loose it.  Finally she told us to come back....guess who was drawing the blood.  HER.  Finally she got started and Ben was a champ.  He sat in my lap and watched as the needle went in and the nurse fished around for a vein.  4 vials later we were out the door with 2 urine collection things.  (still not sure how was are going to do that out of town this weekend)

I did make it to school to pick Max up in time. Then, realized that today was the fundraiser pick up day.  AAAHHHHH....I could have gone earlier and picked it up, but since it had slipped my mind I had to stand in line with all these kids and moms.  20 minutes to pick up one little bag of candy my mom ordered for the boys.  

When I got home I started to cry from the sheer pressure of the day.  Max made me feel horrible for it when he started to cry too.  I stopped, but still zoned out a bit.  Until, I realized it was 5 pm and I had not even thought about dinner.  Chinese it was tonight.  Not healthy, but at least I fed them.

They are currently picking up their things before bed.  I am looking forward to that so I can finally let it all out and really cry.  It will do me good to just get it over with so I can start again tomorrow.

So, I am not sure if it is a good day because I handled it all without a major break or if it was a bad day because I had to handle all of it.

18 October 2010


So, we are home and the boys are tucked in bed sound asleep.  It is nice to have a quiet night.  I might be able to relax/release now.

I took Ben to see the Cardiologist.  It was so scary. The doctor was very nice so it was easier.  He had an EKG before we saw the doc and he seemed pretty happy with it.  We chatted for a few minutes and I gave him background and history. Freaked me out when doctor decided to do an ecocardiogram right away.  We got to see his heart on the screen.  From my lay person's eye.....it seems that it was doing all that it should.  We were able to rule out EDS for him and masses or tumors.  That is all good.

Tonight and for the next 24 hours, Ben is wearing a heart monitor.  It is a little creepy to see him walking around with this little box attached to him.  It does not seem to be bothering him any.....he ran around with Max tonight acting like nothing happened.  It was kinda funny to see him keep stopping to move it up and then go again.  Poor guy.

I am happy we have ruled some things out, but it is not totally reassuring.  There are so many other things it could be.  The doctor thinks it could be a heart infection.  He said that we are starting with the easy tests...it will be less traumatic for Ben.  Which is great, but I wonder if it will get us to the end result soon enough.  I know that we are ruling out the things that are easy to test for...that is great....why can't we test for it all?  We will most likely be getting blood drawn next week to check for infection, thyroid and a few other things.

Wait and see.....give it to the Lord and he will protect us.


It is nice and chilly today.  AND, I love it!  I did not turn the furnace on, but we did turn the fire place on this AM to warm up the main part of the house.  Now, it is perfect. The boys are not so sure....it is kinda gray and they really wanted to go outside and play.  Good for them it will in the 70's tomorrow and we will be out playing.

We have the cardio appt today and I am nervous, but as my dad says.  Don't borrow trouble.  It will all be okay, and if it is not, we will figure it all out together as a family.  And, I mean all of the family....Me, Matt, and all the parents on both sides.  Everyone has been so supportive of all that is going on.  Thanks guys.

Matt is off doing his thing and both of the boys are at school.  It is awesome to have some quiet time to myself.  I am not running around shopping or having to do much.  I am happily sitting her with my coffee, watching the Today show and writing.  Yeah....a few minutes to myself before the running of life starts again.

So much for time to myself.  Ben's teacher called to let me know that Ben had pooped on the floor and stepped in it.  I guess he was really upset....so off I went.

17 October 2010

Not sure what to title this.  It really is just going to be a smattering of thoughts......

I know I just blogged about the Disney thing.  But, damn, it really bothers me.  Well, not the Disney thing exactly.  I had and have so many plans.  When Matt and I met, we talked about doing several things together.  1st - move to Holyoke
2nd - go to Paris
3rd - go to Fiji
2 and 3 might be flipped. But, they are things we wanted to do.  Matt is 6 years younger than me....I knew that I would get old first, but I thought I would be able to have lots of fun/life with him before I got OLD.  Now, I am not going to get mentally old, but physically before I thought.  Really, Matt won't even be 30 until next year.  So, by the time he is 35, he could be pushing his wife around in a wheel chair.  Really?  It just does not seem fair.  I love him so much and really wish/hope it is not like this.  He deserves a full happy life.

I do know that traveling is not high on his bucket list, but it is on mine.  He would be very happy to move to Holyoke and never leave again.  I am happy to go to Holyoke, but I still want to see so much more.  I want to be able to walk through the castles in Ireland, swim in the ocean in Fiji, climb to the top of the Eiffel tower.  I know that we are working hard to pay off our debt and I want that too.  But, do I want that and put off traveling until we can pay cash with the possibility that I may not be in good enough physical condition to do it?  I am just not sure how I feel about it all.  We will have all the debt paid off in a year or so.  We are going to Disney no matter what...might take 18 months, but we might be able to pay all cash for the trip.  But, then how long will I have to save to go somewhere else?

I am trying to be positive about my condition....but I trying to be real about it too.  Knowing the possibility of not being able to do it later, makes me sad.  There are so many things I want to do.  There are so many things I want to do....BUT, I need to do them before I cannot.

I do know that we will be in a better situation in a couple of years..... I am hoping that once we hit that point we can take a major trip every 2 years.  That is my plan.  I have not told Matt yet, but that is my plan.  I will convince him over time. He is so wonderful to me...I am sure he will not be hard to win over.  I know that he does not totally understand how I feel or what is going on with my physically, but he does try to help me out whenever he can.  And, I know that my happiness is important to him and I appreciate him.  We will work it out together.

Matt is a wonderful man and I am so lucky to have him.


So, as a family, we decided that we are going to Disney.  Everyone is so excited.  We are all looking forward to it.  We have started a jar with money in it.  We are going to save and save money until we get there.

I took the boys to the bank with their change from their piggy banks.  They were so proud to tell the teller we are saving for a trip to Disney.  We bought the jar at Walmart and put pictures of the Disney characters on it.  The boys decided that they were going to spend some of their on toys and put some in the jar.  I am so proud of them....they get that we are wanting to do something in the future and they can still get something now.  It is awesome to see them learning to save.

It is great that we are all saving BUT, dang, it is still expensive.  I started looking around on line to see how much we would need to save.  I decided that we want to stay in the park, get park hopper passes and the food plan.  All of that including air fare is going to run the family $3500.  We would really like to pay off the CC before we go and don't want to go into more debt to pay for it.  Having said that, I really want to take the kids.  It will most likely be about 18 months before any of that happens.  Maybe longer.

I want to go as soon as we can.  I want to go sooner rather than later because I am not sure how I am going to do later in life.  I already have so much pain on a daily basis.  I know that I can over do it easily and it scares me. I am not taking pain meds at home (at all).  I think I may have to take it daily while we are there.  I am really hoping that even though I do that I will be able to function mentally and enjoy the trip.  Without meds, I am wondering if I can function physically.  I am 35 and I don't want to be in a wheelchair when we go to Disney.  That does not seem like fun to me.  I don't want to take away from my boys enjoyment of the experience.  Matt likes the idea of a wheelchair....we will get to go to the front of the line and go first since I am a invalid.  The whole idea sucks.......

I want to be able to go to Disney and enjoy it with my kids.  I want to go now while I can, but I don't want to put my family finances in jeopardy either. It is hard to decide what I should do.  Being in pain and being sure that life will bring more pain (maybe even worse), I want to live and enjoy what I can with my family while I can.  What do I do???

13 October 2010


Today is a good day.  The basement is almost completely finished.  BJ has been over finishing the drywall, painting and doing all the little odds and ends that need to be finished.  I am truly hoping that by the middle of next week I will be able to have all the furniture back and everything organized.

Since Matt has moved 90% of the things from downstairs to the garage. I am hoping to get all the things put away and set up just the way I want it to be.  I am going to be getting rid of things again.  I know that I am going to get rid of some furniture that we really don't need.  I am really starting to work through, in my head, what I really want to move with me to Holyoke.

I was really excited about getting the basement finished....it is one more step closer to our goal of moving.  Me, not good at waiting for things, I started looking for houses in Holyoke.  There are two country homes I really want to look and buy.  But, Matt is the cool calm on in our house and reminds me that we have to wait.

Things are just not going to be totally in order for us to be doing something that drastic so soon.  I am thinking that I will take the rest of the year to get the house all cleaned out and in order.  I am hoping to put the house on the market in January.  House sales are so slow that I think putting it on the market sooner would be better for us.  If it sells before we are ready to move....looks like apartment living for us.  It would be tight quarters, but I don't see why we could not do that.  We can move things to Grandma's house or to a storage unit if we need to.  Might even save us some money and we could make good interest on what we get out of this house.

It is really true that Max should finish out the school year here.  I know what it was like to move schools during the school year and more than one time.  So, I am going to sit tight and let Max and Ben finish the school year here.

Hopefully, when we are ready the plan will be there.  God has a plan for us and we will follow his lead.  I just need to learn patience and that has never been my strong point.

11 October 2010

So sad

I have let my feelings get hurt, yet again.  I belonged to a great meetup group.  Most of my friends belong to the group.  I have had a falling out with the organizer, but I did not do anything to get myself kicked out of the group.  Too bad, that is what happened.

I am sure that she will read this. And, I just don't care at this point.  I have said and will not say anything that is not true.

I joined this group two years ago, or so.  I made some really great friends in the group.  I paid my dues like everyone else in March.  It is suppose to be for a whole year.  I know that I am being petty, but I want my $4.  I did nothing wrong according to the group rules.  All I did was have a fight with the organizer.  After the argument and falling out (end of friendship too)....I kept my distance, but liked being part of the group.  I made other friends in the group and would have liked to stay in.  I was not bothering her or doing anything that would have upset her.  Guess she just did not like me there and decided to kick me out.

I am so sad that this happened.  I am not upset that she and I are not friends anymore....I am not truly upset about being kicked out of the group.  I am upset that she took a connection away that I had with some friends.

I thought the petiteness was over, but I guess I was wrong.

This person has really hurt me and I have seen that people can be horrible.   BUT, I am not going to let this one person put me out.  I still think that people are generally good.  I will continue to think that, despite some people.

10 October 2010


We did Ben's allergy testing on Friday.  It was not a bad experience.  He only cried once....it was about 1/2 way through and I think it just itched so bad he was upset.  We sang another song and he calmed down.

It was quiet an experience for Ben and me.  They used marker and numbered Ben's back according to the number of the allergen they were testing.  They made little scratches with the liquid.  There was a positive and negative.  The positive, obviously, came up.....but the cat scratch came up even more.  Poor little guy is certainly allergic to cats.  By the time it was all done, the cat scratch was as big as a half dollar.  He also reacted to dog, feather, one kind of mold and corn pollen.  He was a real trooper and got a huge bouncy ball for behaving.

I asked them to check the corn pollen.  I worry about moving to the farm with all his allergies.  Some of his allergies can trigger his asthma.  That is the only scary part about all of this.  I asked the doctor his thoughts on moving out to the farm.  Dr. Chaplan told me that as long as we live in Colorado or near by states, it won't matter.  He said that pollens can travel up to 200 miles, so even if we lived in a cement jungle, there could still be pollen and allergens.  Therefore, the plan to move is still on.

We now have a preventative program to keep Ben's asthma and other breathing problems.  We are doing Q-var twice a day and children's chewable Singular at night.  We have albuterol for any rescue times.  Hopefully this will keep his breathing normal.  Dr. Caplan thinks that we might be able to keep the allergies and asthma in check with the new plan.  That would be so awesome.

Now we are going to have to see what the cardiologist says.  We had thought about going to Holyoke this weekend so I changed his appointment.  We are now going on the 18th at 1:30.  We will have to see what happens.  I am beginning to think that the heart rate was related to his breathing problems.  We have been checking his sp02 and heart rate.  Both seem to be more normal now.  I am thinking that the little guy was just struggling to BE at that point and his body did everything it could to make it happen.  I have always known he is a fighter.

God has his hands around Ben and will continue to protect him.

07 October 2010

Here we Go

Today was Max's appointment with the Ortho doc.  Dr. Seigel is so proud of Max.  She said that his rate of healing is amazing.  He is so far beyond what she expected.  He will be ready to get his rods out before Christmas.  Okay, so she said December or January and I begged for December because we have met our family cap for the year with the ins.  Let them pay for it.  We have paid plenty in premiums, so why not take advantage of the system, RIGHT?

Tomorrow is the beginning for Ben.  We got to the allergist/pulmonologist.  We will get his lungs looked at and then all the allergy testing.  I am so not looking forward to that part.  I cannot imagine all the pain the bugger is going to go through.  I am pretty sure his is allergic to most everything.  Scratch tests cannot be fun.....can you imagine being 3 and not understanding what is going on?  I feel for him.  I feel for me to have to comfort my baby all day tomorrow.  It will be lots of movies and Mommy cuddle time.  I am just praying that this testing does not trigger his asthma/breathing issues or his heart problem.  If this truly is the cause of all of his problems, it could be an interesting visit.  Think they have what is needed for someone to is severely allergic to something?  Surely they will be prepared for anything right?  What if he stops breathing because of something they do?

I am really terrified to start all this testing....can you tell?  Monday is the cardiologist.  I had the fleeting thought of going to visit Granna and Grandpa this weekend since we have a 3 day weekend, but then I remembered the dreaded cardio appt.  I was really looking forward to unplugging and go away for a few days.  It really was just a thought in my head....never got a chance to mention it to anyone before I remembered the cardio appt.

Me, I am just plodding along.  I was suppose to do stamp club this weekend, but we were suppose to be getting the basement finished so I thought I would not be able get into my scrap room.  Well, that did not happen.....the guy who has suppose to be finishing the basement for over a year, has put me off again.   He was suppose to be here Monday AM and showed up with a story about having a place to finish in Woodland Park.  He said he would show up this morning and be able to get it finished this week.  Ha Ha Ha....he did not show up again and I have not heard from him.  Pissed off is what I am becoming with the whole thing.  So, that leaves me having changed my plans for him and now....the basement is not done and I changed plans.  Grrr.

I do not have anything planned for the weekend now.  Matt had a meeting Monday for wrestling, Tuesday for Drupal and now again tonight for wrestling.  I know he has to do these things.....but, I am starting to wonder what I am going to get to do.  Scrapping at Bobbie's is out since we are not talking anymore.  I don't want to go to Archivers because that costs money (and I am trying to be on a spending freeze).  Being on a spending freeze prevents me from doing a number of things.  I could go to the basement and play in my scrap room, but that is not really a get away because the kids come down anyway.  I am debating going back to weight watchers....I have gained 10 pounds and none of my clothes fit now, but again, that costs money.  SO, what is there for me to do and where.

I am starting to feel really pent up, frustrated, scared and angry.  And, unfortunately for the family, it comes out with me yelling at everyone for every little thing.  I know what I am doing when I am doing it, but I am so in the moment that I just cannot stop myself some times.  I am trying hard to just give it over to God, but it is harder than I thought.  Knowing something and feeling something are two different things....I totally get what my dear friend Shannon is going through now.  I know that things will all work out and that God has a plan and that I should just hand it all over to him.  BUT, my heart is still breaking and I am still scared for my little one and angry that I have to deal with it all.

05 October 2010

Normal life?

I have scheduled several of Ben's appointments for the end of this week and the beginning of next.  That leaves me in a waiting pattern.  I am not very good at this part of the game.  I am a right now type person.  I know that about myself.....this is killing me.  I am horrible at waiting, but even worse at waiting to find out, what, if anything is wrong with my child.

I am trying to keep life going as if nothing were wrong.....Yesterday I went to the pumpkin patch with Ben and his preschool.  It was so much fun.  He got to pick a pumpkin for free. Catch was that he had to be able to carry it out of the patch by himself.  He had an enormous amount of fun, but I could tell that towards the end he was struggling.  He finally said that he just wanted to go home.  I carried him for the end of the trip.  He was  good sport and had a good time while he felt well.

Today we tried to keep things quiet.  He did really well until lunch.  Well, it was almost lunch time and he started to melt down.  I brought him upstairs and he decided that he did not want to eat.  He just went to bed and laid down.  He slept for several hours and then never asked for lunch after that.  It was sad.  I know my child is not himself when he does not want to eat.  After we picked Max up from school, he seemed okay.  I did take him to swim lessons this afternoon.   I want to keep his life a normal as possible.  He loves doing it, so why take it away from him while he still can???  He did really well, but coughed a lot.  He said that his chest hurt a little afterwards, but he was still smiling.

I brought him home and fed him dinner.  He seemed happy....but with a raised heart rate.  I put him to bed with a 124 heart rate.  He was not doing anything.  I just fed him and we watched tv.  I am not sure why his heart rate was up so high.  It makes me so nervous.

Tomorrow I take Max to the pumpkin patch and Ben has preschool.  Not much else going on....let's keep it that way.  Thursday I take Max in for his arm appt and then we do allergies for Ben on Friday.  

Life is Good.....God watches over us all.

03 October 2010


I have has several days to digest the idea of Ben being sick.  I have known he was sick, but possibly needing serious care.

I have taken the time to do some soul searching on the whole thing.  And, I have come to several conclusions.  My little boy is strong and he is a fighter. I do not think there is much that he cannot fight.  He is such a happy little soul, even when he is not feeling well.  He was in the ambulance with O2 and when the paramedic asked him how he was....Ben said, "Great."  He is such a trooper.

As I have been praying about this, I have been thinking about God not giving us any more than we can handle.  I have been feeling very selfish about all of this.  I keep thinking that God will not give ME more than I can handle...when, in reality, I should be thinking....God will not give Ben anything he cannot handle.  This is not happening to me...it is happening to Ben.  While I feel the pain and want to protect my child....Ben is the one who suffers.  He is the one with the physical pain the hurts is little body.

I feel pain.  I feel the emotional pain of seeing my child hurting.  I feel the pain of not knowing what is wrong with him.  I feel the pain of all the possibilities of what may be hurting him. I feel at a loss as to why it is happening to my child.  While I am feeling all of these things, I realize that those around me have had problems with their children too.  We have dear friends who have gone through similar things with their little ones.  I, now, understand (or sort of) how they must feel.  With all the emotional pain  I am going through, I finally understand how these brave parents must feel.

I have had the several days of crying and hiding from the issue that I think I needed.  Friday, I slept for 7 hours during the day and then yesterday, Matt let me sleep in until 10AM.  I know that one way that I hide from things is to sleep.  Sleeping means that I do not have to actually think about things.  It is just blank time that I can waste without feeling.  I have hidden from the world and now it is time to get out and be "normal" again.

Yesterday I went to a class to learn to crochet.  I had a great time and learned lots of fun things. I know enough now to be dangerous.  I decided that I am making a blanket (with the 3 stitches I know).  I bought the yellow yarn with the intention of making it for my niece Maggie, but I have decided that it might just be for Ben.  I think he can love on it and know how much Mommy loves him.  It will always be a part of me that he can have with him.  Sounds dumb, but it is making me feel better right now.  Ben has been watching me work on it and he is really excited.  I might finish it by Christmas with all the other projects I have to finish.

In short, I have felt sorry for myself and that has passed.  I have wanted to just think about anything else and that has passed.  Now, I have turned it over to GOD.  HE has a plan.  GOD knows what he is doing and we will follow his plan.  While I might not understand it all or know why things are the way they are, I am going to put it in HIS hands and let it go.  I am going to enjoy every day that I have with my family and not let things get in the way.

God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Hebrews 13:5-6