26 July 2010

Just thoughts

Before I get started writing this blog, please note that I would never actually do anything to harm myself.  For those of my friends and family, this might be very hard to read, but I feel the need to share.

I am living with my EDS, but not handling it well.  I have done plenty with my husband and boys this summer and never intend to stop, as long as I can.  But, it never fails that I feel like I should be doing more.

I am feeling horrid about the situation that I have put my husband and kids in with my condition.  For example, the other night I took a sleeping pill.  I took it late because I have been trying not to take them, but that night I was having considerable pain.  The next morning, I was having a hard time waking up.  Since I sleep on the couch, Max always comes and sees me before Matt.  Because I was having a hard time waking up, Max walked into Matt and said, "Mommy is not waking up because she took too many pills."  OMG, I felt horrible.  Can you just imagine it?  Next Max is going to say something to someone at school and I am going to be accused of being a drug addict. AAHHHH, how very scary.

As far as Matt.....he pays for my disability every day.  The day starts with me hurting every morning.  Matt had to make the kids breakfast before he left for work today.  Double duty for him.  On days that I am managing in the morning, I do get things done during the day.  I have to take care of the kids and do things for them.  So, the house becomes and issue.  I do manage to get one big thing done each day.  Big things are laundry, dishes, cleaning bathrooms.  I will never be able to clean the whole house in one day any more.  It sucks.  I am suppose to be taking care of my family.  I am home everyday.  I do not work outside the home.  It is my job to do all these things.  Unfortunately, my body just will not let me do those things all in one day.

There are some of you who really do not want to keep reading this paragraph (parents and siblings).  I have said before that I have been sleeping on the couch for several (6) months.  It makes things a little difficult in the "love" department if you know what I mean.  It is now to the point that we actually have to schedule days so I can take my pain meds early enough that I am mostly pain free.  It sucks big time.  It is hard to feel love and loved when we cannot really "be" together.

So, I have all these things were I think I am failing.  It does not help when I am in so much pain everyday.  It has been really hard to be positive about anything. I have wondered what my families life would be like without me.  I know it would be hard to begin with, but would they be happier in the end.

I do have these feelings some times and wonder, but I would never act upon them.  I just could not imagine harming myself.  (I just don't like pain, LOL).  I know I have to be here for my kids, if not physically, then emotionally.  And, Matt is the love of my life, I would never want to be anywhere without him (I think he feels the same).

I just had to put this in writing....maybe to see how stupid it is to feel this way.

18 July 2010


I am not sure that I have anything to say really.  I feel like I should be writing.  I have not been here for so long.  I am sure there has been so much that has happened since I last wrote.  

It is mid-July and things are going quietly.  Well, not really.  The kids have been busy swimming and hurting themselves.  The swim lessons are going swimmingly (ha ha ha).  The boys are both doing great, really.  Max is nearly swimming on his own.  Well, he can swim by himself as long as he can hold his breath.  It is hard to get him out of the water at times.  There is a spray park at the pool where we do swim lessons.  Max never wants to go in the spray park, but wants to stay in the pool and keep swimming.  Max sliced his knee open one day while we were there.  I actually had to use a steri-strip to hold it together.  Might have used a stitch, but it was the knee and I am sure he would have ripped them open.  So, I bandaged him up and off he went, being Max swimming and playing. 

Ben is having a blast at swim lessons.  He is so small, it is scary for me sometimes.  In the week before he started swim lessons, we made an emergency trip to the dentist.  He ripped the connective tissue between his upper lip and gums.  Turns out that was not a big deal, but he did crack the tooth just above the gums.  The doc was afraid that we might have to take out the tooth.  Good thing is that it did not die so it is still there.  He started swim lessons the next week and started loving it.  Unfortunately for him, several days into swim lessons, he fell off the couch.  When he did that, he dislocated his shoulder.  I managed to pop it back in myself.  Of course, I did not do it on purpose.  I did take him to the doc and he agreed that I had popped it back in.  Given my history of EDS, the doc did not bat an eye at what happened.  Ben got a little sling (I did not know they made them that small).  He sat out for one day of swim lessons, but was glad to get back.  I am being careful with him for now.  There are a few things at swim lessons that I am not letting him do.  I want to make sure that my baby heals a bit before he goes back to the day to day. 

On the way home from the doc with Ben that day and the car broke down.  It was horrible.  Matt and I freaked out and were afraid that we were going to need to buy a new car.  Turns out it was only $530 repair.  

Drugs are kicking in....better go. 

01 July 2010


Good Morning world.  We are all up, the sun is shining, and the skies are beautifully blue.  We are going to have a great day, I just know it.  Today is treat day for Max at swim lessons. We get to find out if he will be moving up a level.  I am not sure if he will be doing it or not.

Great news is that Ben is going to be able to start real swim lessons next session.  We have been swimming in the baby pool while Max has been in his lessons.  Ben is jumping off the edge by himself.  I have taught him to float on his back with his ears in the water (with me having a hand on his back).  He can put his face in the water and blow bubbles.  He is almost ready to go totally under the water.  If I dunk him he will not fuss, but he is a little afraid to do it himself.  Anyway, the pool director saw us in the water and decided that it was time to put him in lessons.  I was surprised because when I asked the assistant director last week, she told me he had to be three before they would even consider it.  Not only is he going into real swim lessons, he will be in basic level two to start.  How awesome!!!  He is excited.  He has been wanting to jump off the diving board, even though Max still won't jump on his own.  He will start on the 12th.   I am a little nervous, but that is just the mommy in me.

I am still feeling pretty good.  I have started taking a B-12 tablet each day and I think it is helping a little.  I am still napping.  But, I can wake up in the morning and after nap without feeling groggy.  That is a big bonus.  I do not feel like I have to sleep all the time right now.  It is fabulous.  I am getting more done around the house, which also makes me feel better.  I have actually made real dinners for the last 4 days.  Don't get me wrong, I feed my family every day, but I have been cooking.  No fast food, no meals out of a box.  It has felt great.  We are all sitting down at the dinning room table and eating together.  It is fun to hear the boys tell Matt all about their days.

The evening yesterday was great.  After dinner, we took the boys to Wendy's.  They each got their frostys for reading for the library summer reading program.  I am so proud of them for reading.  Max is reading on his own and Ben wants me to read to him all the time.  After that we all went to the Nature Center and took a walk.  It was so much fun.  I love spending family time.  It was so nice.  I think Matt is wanting to do more (just in case he gets this job and leaves for 5 weeks).  I, also, think that he may want to do more, even if he does not get this job and leave.

I am getting ready for the kids to both go to school this year.  It is only July, but I already have school supply lists.  I am still not sure when school starts.  It is exciting, but sad at the same time.  Max will be starting kindergarten and that means he is growing up.  My first baby is growing up.  Ben starts preschool this year too.  He will go to school 9 to 11 on Mondays and Wednesdays.  What am I going to do with myself?  I am so used to having at least one of them with me all the time.  Max did not start preschool until after Ben was born.  I have spent nearly every day with Ben his whole life.  It will be strange not to have him around.  I am sure that, eventually, I will be happy to have the time and find something to do.  It will also be much needed time to myself, if Matt gets this job.

Wow, I had a number of thoughts today.  I guess the better I feel the more I have to say (maybe because I am doing more).