05 May 2010

Down in the Dumps

I had a really great day.  I paid bills, there is still money in the account.  Boys are snotty, but not super sick. We all played downstairs for most of the day.  We had a great time.  Matt has a meeting tonight so the kids and I ate alone and they went to bed well.

That leaves me sitting here...trying to find something to do that does not hurt too much.  Sunday I was stupid and played a game too long...threw my shoulder out.  Could not move my arms by Monday morning.  Really needed to put my shoulder back in, but I could not move my arm until Matt helped me.  I still have residual pain.  The pain completely sidelined me for Monday.  Yesterday....I am thankful for my sister-in-law.  Without her I would not have made it through the day.

I guess I am just sitting here feeling sorry for myself.  I know, I have heard it all before.  Be positive, it happens for a reason, it will all work out, and enjoy the time you have.  I am just having a hard time trying to figure out what to do now.  It is so hard to be here....the only real support we have is 4 hours away.   It makes it so hard to have a bad day.  I love my husband and he is so super supportive, but I cannot ask him to take time off from work each time I am having a medical issue.  Is it really going to be like this for the rest of my life? I said that I was going to keep living my life as long as I can, but the quality of life already sucks and it is only going to get worse.  Do I just stop doing things? Sit on my ass and not live?  Or live one day and pay the consequences the next.  Makes me just want to cry.  One more thing for my husband to worry about.  I feel so sorry for him.  He has so much to take care of.  I am sure that he did not sign on for this when he said, "I do."  He is such a wonderful man that he will never walk away from his responsibilities.  What do I do???  Is it fair for me to keep putting my family through this?  My 4 yr tugged on my hand the other day while we were playing and dislocated my thumb.  I have never felt so awful in my life.  I jumped and said, "ouch."  Poor little guys started crying as hard as he could.  He felt bad and was so afraid to touch me after that.  It took him two days to be able to cuddle with me without being overly cautious.

What do I do now?  There is no cure, no real help for pain.  I really want to live and enjoy my kids, but I need help working through this.  I have got to figure out how to live, enjoy my family and not cry out in pain every day.

I appreciate all of your words of encouragement and that might possibly be what I need these days.  I really just want to feel normal for one day....not having to take the 15 different pain relievers, anti-inflammatory and all the other things they have me taking (none of which seem to be working well).

GGGRRRRRRR, what am I going to do, I put my smile on and pretend everything is all well, but it just isn't.

1 comment:

  1. ((hugs))
    I'm sorry to hear it's been a rough day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.