10 March 2010

Just Don't know

I am sitting here alone tonight....boys are in bed, Matt is at a computer thing and I am left to think.  Not a good thing for me lately.  Really, I am trying to be positive and on a daily basis I am generally happy.

But here, I can admit that I am still so not so sure about all of this.  I know that I am going to be around for all the good times with my family, what I am not sure about is what condition I will be in to enjoy those things.

This week has been rough and it is only Wednesday.  Our family ended up with the stomach flu....fun....it was all that they make it out to be in the movies when Mom is sick and still taking care of the puking kids.  My husband was so great Monday to let me stay in the bed most of the day.  I ended up there through the night.  I awoke at 3 AM hardly able to move.  My back was in so much pain that I could not move.  Matt had to get up and move me to the couch. (It is more comfortable there)  In the morning I was still drugged and in pain, so Matt moved me to the basement on the Futon.  I think the couch and futon are nice because they are extremely soft and have something to lean against.  That is beside the point though.  I was still in pain when I finally came around at Noon.  That made me sad.  Just plain sad....I have been wondering if it is going to be like that form now on for me.  Am I going to go through these episodes of pain, take the drugs and be out of it for a couple of days?

I am still in the infancy of my understanding and handling this condition....what I am hoping for is that some day I can come to terms with this and have a plan.  God is out there and put this on me for a reason.....I need to figure out what that reason is....once I do that, I can use it to His work.  I believe there is a reason for this....it is not a punishment, but a blessing on some other level.  I have to say that it has made me appreciate the things in life I can do right now.  I love being around my kids, spending time with my husband and just having a pain free day.

I pray that God will show me the way and I will take the time to see what he wants for me to do.

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