20 April 2010

Just Tired

I have to say that I am just tired.  I feel like I could sleep more hours in the day than I want to be awake.  I sleep from 10 or so at night to 6 or so in the morning.  Then I take a nap in the afternoon with the kids, at least one hour.

So, I am wondering if I am tired because of my body or because of my mind.  It makes perfect sense that I would be tired.  My poor little body works overtime just to keep itself together.  It takes more effort for me to do everyday things.  Walking is difficult, not impossible, but not like a normal person.  It does take more for me to do all that most people do in a day.

I am wondering if I am just giving into that idea or if it really does take this much of a toll on me.  I am tired and I know that I am struggling with this diagnosis.  I feel some depression, so is it depression or is it physical?  Mental or physical?  I am so not sure.

I do get things done around the house and take time to play with my kids.  It is just not as much as I would like to do.  My dad and step-mom are coming here tomorrow.  I feel embarrassed about how my house looks.  It feels like it is a total mess to me.  I know that it is not, but I just don't have the energy to do anything more right now.  I am feeling limited.  I have never felt this way before.  Before, I knew that I was just lazy.  My house was a mess because I just did not feel like doing anything about it.  Maybe it bothers me now because I don't feel like I can do it all.

I am sure this makes no sense to all of you......I am not even sure it makes sense to me.  I am just feeling crappy and not sure what to do about it.  It is probably coming all to a head with me right now because Matt is out of town and I am getting ready for my parents to be here.  I have been on the brink of tears several times, but never actually gotten there.  Frustration is at an all time high.  I am trying to take my anti-anxiety pills.  Not sure how much longer that will happen.  I am taking my daily pills....all that stuff.  I am doing all right with the pain level, but on the brink with the mental side of it all.  I may just have to give in and take the pills.  I am struggling with this whole issue.  Just like I am struggling with it all.  I am trying not to give in to the idea that I am broken and tired or the idea that I need the extra help for my mental status.  Maybe help with one will help with the other.  I am just feeling so lost about it all.

There are other factors in my personal life that are making it all that much harder.  Have you all seen those commercials where the big C follows people around them....reminding them that they cannot run away from their choices?  That is what I am feeling this week.  A series of poor choices when I was 18 and 19 have come back to haunt me, if you will.  I guess not haunt me because it is not all bad, but it is heart wrenching.   I am sure that these emotions are not helping me keep things straight this week.

What I do know is that I do not want to not be here.  I don't want to quit on me, my husband, or my kids.  I love my life and all that God has blessed me with.  I have been given an abundance of blessings in so many ways.  I may have had the door closed physically, but there are so many windows open to that beautiful blue sky.

Wow, I am all over the place tonight.  I suppose that is why I have this though.  Sometimes I just need a place to express things....whether there are people out there reading this or not.  It is my space to vent.


  1. I know the feeling of being tired all the time. Have you had your thyroid tested? Mine is on the low side, and once I supplemented it with a low dose of thyroid med I really started feeling better. My levels were just barely into the "normal" range so my family doc. kept saying I was OK when I didn't FEEL OK! This went on for years with me gradually feeling more and more tired! Finally I had to find a naturopathic doc. to treat the thryoid. It was amazing how much better I felt with that little thyroid boost. Also, another thing to try (it's FREE!) is cutting out all processed foods from your diet. Hope that helps!

  2. There is a HUGE correlation between EDS and chronic fatigue. I started having the perpetual fatigue and its side effects (short-term memory is shot to hell, can't concentrate, sometimes can't think through things) in late December, and it just doesn't let up.

    Anyway, just to let you know that you aren't alone.

    Stipeygirl75 gives good advice, and I also recommend getting your Vitamin D blood level checked. It's amazing what a Vit D deficiency can do to you.

  3. "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

    Vance Havner used to say that, "Worry, like sitting in a rocking chair, will keep you busy but won't get you anywhere."
    Take care and remember that we are all here for you. Have a great day with family near!