Just thoughts

Before I get started writing this blog, please note that I would never actually do anything to harm myself.  For those of my friends and family, this might be very hard to read, but I feel the need to share.

I am living with my EDS, but not handling it well.  I have done plenty with my husband and boys this summer and never intend to stop, as long as I can.  But, it never fails that I feel like I should be doing more.

I am feeling horrid about the situation that I have put my husband and kids in with my condition.  For example, the other night I took a sleeping pill.  I took it late because I have been trying not to take them, but that night I was having considerable pain.  The next morning, I was having a hard time waking up.  Since I sleep on the couch, Max always comes and sees me before Matt.  Because I was having a hard time waking up, Max walked into Matt and said, "Mommy is not waking up because she took too many pills."  OMG, I felt horrible.  Can you just imagine it?  Next Max is going to say something to someone at school and I am going to be accused of being a drug addict. AAHHHH, how very scary.

As far as Matt.....he pays for my disability every day.  The day starts with me hurting every morning.  Matt had to make the kids breakfast before he left for work today.  Double duty for him.  On days that I am managing in the morning, I do get things done during the day.  I have to take care of the kids and do things for them.  So, the house becomes and issue.  I do manage to get one big thing done each day.  Big things are laundry, dishes, cleaning bathrooms.  I will never be able to clean the whole house in one day any more.  It sucks.  I am suppose to be taking care of my family.  I am home everyday.  I do not work outside the home.  It is my job to do all these things.  Unfortunately, my body just will not let me do those things all in one day.

There are some of you who really do not want to keep reading this paragraph (parents and siblings).  I have said before that I have been sleeping on the couch for several (6) months.  It makes things a little difficult in the "love" department if you know what I mean.  It is now to the point that we actually have to schedule days so I can take my pain meds early enough that I am mostly pain free.  It sucks big time.  It is hard to feel love and loved when we cannot really "be" together.

So, I have all these things were I think I am failing.  It does not help when I am in so much pain everyday.  It has been really hard to be positive about anything. I have wondered what my families life would be like without me.  I know it would be hard to begin with, but would they be happier in the end.

I do have these feelings some times and wonder, but I would never act upon them.  I just could not imagine harming myself.  (I just don't like pain, LOL).  I know I have to be here for my kids, if not physically, then emotionally.  And, Matt is the love of my life, I would never want to be anywhere without him (I think he feels the same).

I just had to put this in writing....maybe to see how stupid it is to feel this way.